you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
WTF YOU SHOULDNT BREAK A SWEAT TAKING A SHIT. MY BODY HATES ME.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Randomize
