It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Because you stood over the Ice luge screaming STONE COLD and poured beer on everyone
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
I also point out to everyone that she looks like DJ's gf on Roseanne.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
It also means I'm watching porn with mario earphones so i can hear. Possibly the best way to mastrabate EVER
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
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