Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
i feel as though me waking up and asking her if i went to the hospital was a sign that i was not okay
We need to find out what drug we took so we can take it everyday from here on out
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
