Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
Randomize
