Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
the best thing about dollar beer night is beer is only a dollar.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
How does one acquire holy water?
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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