call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
For the first time in my life, I may be the most normal person in the room.
Update: I am definitely the most normal person in this room. And the least tattooed.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
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