Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
It must have been true love
I don't call true love eating a bag of doritos and then going down on each other
someone owes me an orgasm
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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