So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I hear fucking Christmas music. I'm going to find fucking Santa and tell him to suck a dick and shut up for the next month
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
