Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
you were peeing in her backyard and some dude came outside and looked at you and was like "thats not a pee spot" and you said "well it is now" then i joined you. Forever poppin squats <3
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