Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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