Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
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