Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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