I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
I called plan parenthood at 407 am... Guess I was thinking ahead
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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