Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
yes, i'm a douce. but i'm a high quality douche.
I think I won an award for shitting and vomiting at the same time.
Randomize
