btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube
we're no longer friends
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
