I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
