so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
If you were to to ask if I just hid 4 shooters or Jameson it my bra and panties the anwer would be yes, yes I did
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