I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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