You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..
Who?
Chris brown
No way... I bet he was intense
Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize
