i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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