If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
3 2 1 whiskey
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
