I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
I make your heart skip a beat like that pivotal moment when you open a public toilet lid
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
Matched with the lumberjack. Here's your wedding invite.
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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