she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
So J keeps drinking his last bit of drink, then spitting it out and drinks it again. Savor the flavor?
I mean I like that it's warm enough to open the windows, but it annoys me that I can't walk around naked anymore.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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