The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
tequila makes her clothes fall off
wow Mom, sounds like youre having a good time
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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