Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
