it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
