It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
Randomize
