Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
So apparently last night I was running around columbus circle station screaming that Obama was a pussy and that "waterboarding should always be an option" lol
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
See? I told you no boy in roller skates could be entirely straight.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
