I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
porn star boner night. come get it.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
at some point i feel off my bar stool straight into the arms of a gay guy. just my luck.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
Randomize
