i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I THREW AWAY MY VIBRATOR BECAUSE IT INTIMIDATED HIM. WORST. DECISION. EVER
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Randomize
