I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
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