The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Kids music just accidentally came on at this party. I didn't know how many stoners were here until they all sang along.
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
Randomize
