Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
Am I a bad person for getting my ex to DD me and a random hookup home last night?
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
Fyi - we're going to be eating those sandwiches in bed when you get home.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
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