Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
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