community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Randomize
