My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
you are like the bill nye of illicit activities
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
How ya feelin sunshine?
Like a million dollars! ... That has been hit by a bus, drowned under water and beat repeatedly by a shovel.
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