my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
My Higher Power is John Stamos
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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