I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Disregard the shoes in the freezer.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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