I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Shaving your balls drunk sounds like a good idea untill you do it
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Randomize
