kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
I just saw a raccoon get launched out of a tree by another raccoon. They have turf wars...
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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