You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.
Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
