I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
She had never heard the term "grundle" before. Classiest girl I've met in months
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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