Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?
4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds
mom cant say that college never taught us math
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
I feel like I should pray to the god of Febreze, because it is like it washes away the smell of all my sins from the bed
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
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