there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
So can I buy you a drink sometime?
Sure, but make it a double, I'm drinking for two these days.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
He sent me a picture of his dick earlier so now we can all laugh at him tomorrow
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
