whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
so serious though like its almost like I'm playing a game that's my life and Im always losing
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
