Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Have you ever just like not slept in so long that everything looks like a lava lamp?
my ex's current girlfriend held my hair as I threw up. new low.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Either it didn’t do much damage or I’ve lost all feeling in my asshole
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
