seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
