Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
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