Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
What can I say, I just want your vagina in my mouth.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
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