I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
